so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize