so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
