Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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