he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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