I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
