if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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