I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
