I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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