It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
