dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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