Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
