Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
