i was born a porn star she said
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
