dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
