i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
