Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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