I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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