He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
