I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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