singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize