he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
