Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
