Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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