Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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