my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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