Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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