im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
