if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
