I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
