Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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