well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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