got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
