i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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