i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
