Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
