mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
