Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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