I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
