I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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