I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
