nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
