i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
