I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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