Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
