Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We need to rekindle our bromance
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she pinky promised me she was 18
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
