I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
