There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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