I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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