I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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