The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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