I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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