trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
