so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
