Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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