If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's never too late to be topless.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
