6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
