He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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